For quite a while, I can say that I genuinely love my job. I worked as an admin assistant at an advertising company. I like most about my job: the salary, the job description, the production team, and my super kind boss. I stayed working on the same task over and over for the past five years because I enjoyed the benefits, the people, and the financial gain. However, things changed when my job somehow managed to ruin my mental health.
However, despite the financial stability, I still experienced a great deal of stress on the job. I get stuck with too much work piling up on my desk that I had to finish in a day. There is no consideration, and those pieces of paper should get ready in a flash. I am always behind my schedules, and even if I thought I managed to beat the deadlines, I sometimes messed the whole production. But of course, there are times that my job tends to be extra effortless. I don’t do anything. I wait for the time to pass by, and that’s it. There is no challenge at all. Honestly, compared to the piled paper works that I have to do in a short period, sitting all day, doing nothing is far worse than damaging.
Stress, Stress, Stress
My stress comes in both doing almost everything to doing nothing. I can say that there is no balance in my job. That imbalance makes me lose the interest to engage in other things. When I am busy, I’m not too fond of any distractions from the outside world. I can’t say I am motivated because that is not what is happening. When I get stressed with all the deadlines, I work hard because I do not want to get fired. Does that make any sense?
Meanwhile, on those days that I sit all day doing nothing, I still feel the emotional and mental pressure coming over me. Not because I get to feel tired of working or anything. But because waiting for the time to pass by is considerably an exhausting job to do. I don’t complain because, honestly, I like the idea of not working on stuff but still get paid for it. However, it felt weird that I somehow see myself stagnant. For five years, I have succeeded in determining the things that entirely deteriorate my mental health.
Pressure And Unrealistic Deadlines
It is quite flattering that my boss entrusts me with almost everything in the office. It is as if he knew the best working qualities I have. That is why he often insists that I finish the job on time or earlier than expected. Honestly, at first, it was not a big deal. I somehow managed to provide him the results he needed, and that routine went quite well. However, the problem escalates into a profound emotional and mental exhaustion when he required me to work on consecutive projects non-stop. Meaning, I don’t get to rest. I am not permitted to take a break because the whole advertising production depends on me. I was forced to engage in unrealistic deadlines that somehow make me lose my grip.
One time, I was having a rough day because of a personal issue, and I committed a mistake. My boss didn’t take that quite well, and he humiliated and criticized me for the first time. I felt so emotional that I thought about his action as a betrayal. The hurtful words and criticism affected me negatively that I ended up losing my balance. From then on, I can’t seem to focus on my job. It impacted my duties and responsibilities and created a lasting effect on my workmates’ production as well. As I have said, everything about the whole advertising progress depends on me. Thus, whenever I am not emotionally, physically, and mentally okay, everyone gets immobilize.
The pressure went on for a couple of months. I was not able to perform well, and projects piled up. The company started losing its clients, and my boss had to fire some employees. Because of that, my co-workers started talking behind my back. They blamed me for the inconsistency of our services. Honestly, I understand where they are coming from. If I were in my co-workers’ shoes, I would feel the same.
To sum it up, things got worst day after day. The toxicity in the workplace went high that people ended up avoiding me. I became paranoid about things. I often went home crying after a day’s work and feel sorry for myself. Nothing is helping me anymore, and the more I try to make things better, the more damage I cause. Now, my boss is disappointed in me, my co-workers hate me, and I am left with a mental health problem – particularly depression.